Trusting the process
It has been six months of carefree, freewheeling existence. My life in suspension. I was all in wait-and-see state of mind. I gambled and played some cards- but with a good amount of restraint, knowing I could not allow to lose all I've got. It was a holdover, too. It can be scary and uncertain. But it was exactly the right moment to trust in the process and the Higher Being. I just knew, in my heart of hearts, I would be fine and things would be great. I wake up each morning and sleep each night finding comfort and faith that this is when I Can Begin Again (thank God for Joyce Meyer's book, You Can Begin Again). Because, isn't this what I have always wanted?
On some days, it seemed like I dovetailed to retirement at the age of 40. It's like having a day-off from work every single day. Not always an exciting period but as time is always precious I could not be less than grateful.
After several months, a whole new world awaits tomorrow. A new lease in life, as they say.
I am both excited and anxious. This is my life taking its course. This is when faith and fate come to play. God knows how fervently I prayed for some direction and guidance. I realised, faith is not always asking for certain things to happen, but for things to happen as they are meant to be. I look back to this period only with a grateful heart and unwavering optimism. And how could I not be?
Others may see this period in my life as something irresponsible, unfortunate, unlikely, uncertain. And I might agree to some extent. If I had to do it all over again, I would not have made the same decision or indecision. But even in such uncertain times, beautiful things and possibilities could happen. I used the time to self-recovery (not self-discovery coz I think, my dreams, my aspirations remained the same. It has always been the same things.) I have come to terms with the bad and the ugly - in circumstances and in people, friends even. I made peace with myself and the people I hurt, even my enemies, albeit from afar.
I found myself in a challenging, unusual circumstances. I would understand that many people would not have done the same choices I made. They may not even understand how I remained optimistic and joyful when there was only bleakness and uncertainty. But I saw this period as an opportunity to reassess myself and the world around me. (I need to write an entirely separate blog for this.) A launchpad for something different and new. I may have messed up or maybe not. Nonetheless, I have faith He can turn the mess into something amazing. I have no Plan B. But as Joyce Meyer said, I don't need to because God has Plan B for me: a Better Plan.
I found courage and confidence. I didn't realise I lost them and how, until I found them again. The courage to live life and embrace what life offers me. The confidence that I could make it to this world. That someday, somehow I would be able to get there - whatever it is, wherever it may be.
I found joy in learning from the writings and lives of other people. I read everyday. A few chapters of every book that I got my hands on. And I can't wait to finish a book and start a new one. I can't wait to write my own book and seriously start blogging in a blog community I have set my mind to. I found myself dreaming to be a writer or an essayist- to have my thoughts found a voice in this age of social media and blogging community.
I found joy in spending time with family members and friends (and my new fondness for cats) without having my attention divided by many concerns, including not having enough time.
I found joy sitting in a coffee shop most days of the week- every week. Of seeing people. Of smiling to strangers you share common space with for hours. I found myself wanting and hoping to get to know them- their names, what they do, where they come from, perhaps, what they know. Or maybe, just this one guy. (Insert smiling emoji)
I don't want to lose the courage to live my life according to my own terms, values and beliefs. I don't want to lose this confidence in myself, all the beauty and flaws, of what I am capable and not capable to do. I don't want to lose my joy anymore. Not again.
Tomorrow will be a whole different circumstance from what I have been used to. I don't know what awaits me. But I know that this is where God led me. This is fate. And I could only embrace and love it. Amor fati.
I always have with me my amazing and awesome God. The God who never failed me. The God who have always been there. Who listened to every plea and cry. Even to every anger and frustration. To my every question. The God who despite my stubbornness and sins, have embraced, loved me and blessed me just the same. Trusting the process to me means trusting Him.
On some days, it seemed like I dovetailed to retirement at the age of 40. It's like having a day-off from work every single day. Not always an exciting period but as time is always precious I could not be less than grateful.
After several months, a whole new world awaits tomorrow. A new lease in life, as they say.
I am both excited and anxious. This is my life taking its course. This is when faith and fate come to play. God knows how fervently I prayed for some direction and guidance. I realised, faith is not always asking for certain things to happen, but for things to happen as they are meant to be. I look back to this period only with a grateful heart and unwavering optimism. And how could I not be?
Others may see this period in my life as something irresponsible, unfortunate, unlikely, uncertain. And I might agree to some extent. If I had to do it all over again, I would not have made the same decision or indecision. But even in such uncertain times, beautiful things and possibilities could happen. I used the time to self-recovery (not self-discovery coz I think, my dreams, my aspirations remained the same. It has always been the same things.) I have come to terms with the bad and the ugly - in circumstances and in people, friends even. I made peace with myself and the people I hurt, even my enemies, albeit from afar.
I found myself in a challenging, unusual circumstances. I would understand that many people would not have done the same choices I made. They may not even understand how I remained optimistic and joyful when there was only bleakness and uncertainty. But I saw this period as an opportunity to reassess myself and the world around me. (I need to write an entirely separate blog for this.) A launchpad for something different and new. I may have messed up or maybe not. Nonetheless, I have faith He can turn the mess into something amazing. I have no Plan B. But as Joyce Meyer said, I don't need to because God has Plan B for me: a Better Plan.
I found courage and confidence. I didn't realise I lost them and how, until I found them again. The courage to live life and embrace what life offers me. The confidence that I could make it to this world. That someday, somehow I would be able to get there - whatever it is, wherever it may be.
I found joy in learning from the writings and lives of other people. I read everyday. A few chapters of every book that I got my hands on. And I can't wait to finish a book and start a new one. I can't wait to write my own book and seriously start blogging in a blog community I have set my mind to. I found myself dreaming to be a writer or an essayist- to have my thoughts found a voice in this age of social media and blogging community.
I found joy in spending time with family members and friends (and my new fondness for cats) without having my attention divided by many concerns, including not having enough time.
I found joy sitting in a coffee shop most days of the week- every week. Of seeing people. Of smiling to strangers you share common space with for hours. I found myself wanting and hoping to get to know them- their names, what they do, where they come from, perhaps, what they know. Or maybe, just this one guy. (Insert smiling emoji)
I don't want to lose the courage to live my life according to my own terms, values and beliefs. I don't want to lose this confidence in myself, all the beauty and flaws, of what I am capable and not capable to do. I don't want to lose my joy anymore. Not again.
Tomorrow will be a whole different circumstance from what I have been used to. I don't know what awaits me. But I know that this is where God led me. This is fate. And I could only embrace and love it. Amor fati.
I always have with me my amazing and awesome God. The God who never failed me. The God who have always been there. Who listened to every plea and cry. Even to every anger and frustration. To my every question. The God who despite my stubbornness and sins, have embraced, loved me and blessed me just the same. Trusting the process to me means trusting Him.
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