Chasing Joy

For the past months, I have come to get used to this routine.  This  life on holdover. This life of wait and see. This life of simplicity (well  not really simple when you have to spend some bucks for a cup or two of coffee). There was a time I wished this is all there is. That I don't have to go back to how life was before this. I am starting to believe   life should just be like this. This carefree. When you only get to spend your time for the things you are passionate about and enjoy doing. In other words, when you get to live the life you're supposed to live.  I wished I don't have to get back to work again. The kind of work that ties you to your desk for at least 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week.  The  kind of work that consumes all of your waking hours and probably even when you're asleep. The kind that keeps you away from what's important and valuable. And therefore, strips a part of your being.  I have promised myself th...

I can't pretend this is not affecting me. I feel a little angry. A little sad. A little regretful. And also, hopeful. I am hoping things would come back. I am wishing it would go back to usual. Because I was happy that way. I was okay that way. It was not better. But okay was better than bad. Okay was better than nothing. Before I came here I was kinda calm with a little certainty that it would all be the same again. But then it was really gone. It's not here again. It's not here anymore. Again, I found myself attached. Easily. Too soon. Too real it can't be true. If I could see it again and have it back again I feel I could grab it with my two hands like I would never want to let go of it. Not for a second. But I would probably give some punches. Albeit, lovingly. Am I being such a childish prick? Am I just an immature brat? I didn't really show what it really was for me. I was too content I wouldn't lose it. I was confident it would always be here. I t...

I am a person of habit. Most often than not, I would eat the same food. Go to the usual places. Drink only cappuccino in the same coffee shop I go to week after week. As in any person of habit, I wished things would not change. Or believe they can't change. Especially the things I feel great about. You know, the things you look forward to week after week. So if, or when they do change or disappear,  my world suddenly falls apart to some degree. So here I go again. I've been here before. I had this more than once. I don't want to get used to this. I thought it would be different. Oh well, I didn't really think about it to be different. I didn't know what I was thinking, I guess. Maybe I was hoping. Obviously, my spirit is dampened. My illusion dispelled. It's as if I got an immediate answer from the Universe. Just last week, I felt I was almost there. I can smell it. I can breathe it. It was so close. So close I could actually feel it becoming a reality. ...

So I've been here many times before. In the past I would say a crossroad. Today I would like to think of it as a moment to rest, reflect and really think things over. I've rehearsed the same and different lines over and over again to myself and those around me: this is what I want to do. That seems like a great option for me. I think I'm gonna like doing that. This may be what I am destined to do. It would be great if I can do that. I would have wanted to do that but... I wished things were like this... I hope it would be... If you have ever been in a place and time in your life when you can't seem to point your finger to something and bring yourself to somewhere, you get what I mean. So I don't blame those around me if I appear to be lost. I can't fault them for finding it both incomprehensible and apprehensible (I would guess) that I still don't know what to do. With my age? At this stage? How come? Why?  Even if I could tell them this fitting quote th...