Chasing Joy

It has been six months of carefree, freewheeling existence. My life in suspension. I was all in wait-and-see state of mind. I gambled and played some cards- but with a good amount of restraint, knowing I could not allow to lose all I've got. It was a holdover, too. It can be scary and uncertain. But it was exactly the right moment to trust in the process and the Higher Being. I just knew, in my heart of hearts, I would be fine and things would be great. I wake up each morning and sleep each night finding comfort and faith that this is when I Can Begin Again (thank God for Joyce Meyer's book, You Can Begin Again ). Because, isn't this what I have always wanted? On some days, it seemed like I dovetailed to retirement at the age of 40. It's like having a day-off from work every single day. Not always an exciting period but as time is always precious I could not be less than grateful. After several months, a whole new world awaits tomorrow. A new lease in life, as they...

For the past months, I have come to get used to this routine.  This  life on holdover. This life of wait and see. This life of simplicity (well  not really simple when you have to spend some bucks for a cup or two of coffee). There was a time I wished this is all there is. That I don't have to go back to how life was before this. I am starting to believe   life should just be like this. This carefree. When you only get to spend your time for the things you are passionate about and enjoy doing. In other words, when you get to live the life you're supposed to live.  I wished I don't have to get back to work again. The kind of work that ties you to your desk for at least 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week.  The  kind of work that consumes all of your waking hours and probably even when you're asleep. The kind that keeps you away from what's important and valuable. And therefore, strips a part of your being.  I have promised myself th...

I can't pretend this is not affecting me. I feel a little angry. A little sad. A little regretful. And also, hopeful. I am hoping things would come back. I am wishing it would go back to usual. Because I was happy that way. I was okay that way. It was not better. But okay was better than bad. Okay was better than nothing. Before I came here I was kinda calm with a little certainty that it would all be the same again. But then it was really gone. It's not here again. It's not here anymore. Again, I found myself attached. Easily. Too soon. Too real it can't be true. If I could see it again and have it back again I feel I could grab it with my two hands like I would never want to let go of it. Not for a second. But I would probably give some punches. Albeit, lovingly. Am I being such a childish prick? Am I just an immature brat? I didn't really show what it really was for me. I was too content I wouldn't lose it. I was confident it would always be here. I t...

I am a person of habit. Most often than not, I would eat the same food. Go to the usual places. Drink only cappuccino in the same coffee shop I go to week after week. As in any person of habit, I wished things would not change. Or believe they can't change. Especially the things I feel great about. You know, the things you look forward to week after week. So if, or when they do change or disappear,  my world suddenly falls apart to some degree. So here I go again. I've been here before. I had this more than once. I don't want to get used to this. I thought it would be different. Oh well, I didn't really think about it to be different. I didn't know what I was thinking, I guess. Maybe I was hoping. Obviously, my spirit is dampened. My illusion dispelled. It's as if I got an immediate answer from the Universe. Just last week, I felt I was almost there. I can smell it. I can breathe it. It was so close. So close I could actually feel it becoming a reality. ...

So I've been here many times before. In the past I would say a crossroad. Today I would like to think of it as a moment to rest, reflect and really think things over. I've rehearsed the same and different lines over and over again to myself and those around me: this is what I want to do. That seems like a great option for me. I think I'm gonna like doing that. This may be what I am destined to do. It would be great if I can do that. I would have wanted to do that but... I wished things were like this... I hope it would be... If you have ever been in a place and time in your life when you can't seem to point your finger to something and bring yourself to somewhere, you get what I mean. So I don't blame those around me if I appear to be lost. I can't fault them for finding it both incomprehensible and apprehensible (I would guess) that I still don't know what to do. With my age? At this stage? How come? Why?  Even if I could tell them this fitting quote th...

It rained today. I thought it unusual for it was summer.   I looked at the  pouring rain from the glass panes of a coffee shop, holding a cup of cappuccino. Quietly,  I  made way for any feeling that would peer over me each time it rained. I waited out for the feeling to come through, fixing my gaze outside the pouring rain. And I felt even more unusual for the feeling never came. I knew I once loved the rain. I loved both its soft and harsh hissing sound. I loved how everything around me seemed to take a slower pace,  almost to a standstill. The rain seemed to quiet and calm the soul of the earth. And with it, my own senses. I loved how I cuddled in bed in deep content as the rain seemed to have its own unique lullaby that puts me to deep sleep.  I wanted to draw out that familiar feeling. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t feel how the rain made me feel. Not today as it was raining. I don’t feel anything at all. But I can almost remember how I used to...

So this is the point where I wanna explode. Explode from frustrations, anger, despair, disbelief, disappointment. This is where I ask myself- is it just me? Am I being too hard on myself, or too hard on others? Why do I think like people can be so incomprehensibly incompetent? Without being subjective, I just feel and see people swallowed by the system, the culture, the values, that they've been so comfortably working with for God only knows since when! So this is the part where I am almost convinced this may not be where I should belong. Maybe I am not supposed to stay. Maybe I am not meant to go back. Because just being in the same space and time with these people make me feel sick. It's like I am automatically turn "nega" and "toxic". They say people have a choice. You can always leave. But should you be the one to leave? Is it fair for these kind of people to stay?

If there is one thing people from the world over agree on, it is that life is short. Even when they say life begins at 40. At whatever age we find ourselves at, I think there is a modicum of truth, if not absolute truth when we say, time passes by so swiftly without us really realizing it. If life is so fleeting, how do you really live every moment of it? Maybe the easier question is what do you do with the short time given to you in this world? What if all you ever have is your most precious time? If I was meant to answer that question at this point in time, I would say my daily routine would be waking up, making coffee or breakfast, watching morning news, reading, playing the guitar, watching TV (sure I can't do without some form of entertainment like The Voice Season 14 and Masterchef Kids Season 6), watching evening news, bedtime reading, sleeping... repeat. And of course, an hour of walking as my workout at least four times a week. I have spent 15 years of my life workin...