Battles
Choosing your battles in life. And winning those battles. That has always been my "mantra". The northern star. Well, almost like it.
But today, I felt like I was losing my battles. Worse, I suddenly wasn't sure of them. Must be the dragging days taking their toll on me. I'm afraid that as the days get longer, I would never get to see victory. I feel I’m on the verge of losing a strand of optimism. And my faculty to creatively and strategically lay down my options in life and courses of action are getting bleak. I couldn't seem to think within the construct of my usual optimistic, ideal, perspective. I couldn't seem to move myself to act. I am getting tired, frustrated.
I remember Liz Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) --- that night she found herself in the bathroom, crying herself out, conversing with God, "Oh God, are you there? Please help me...I don't know what to do...tell me what to do."
I found myself uttering the same words. Asking the same questions.
I don't want to give up on what I have always wanted in life. The dreams I dream. The life I seek to live. The places I want to go to. The person I desire to become. The love... oh, the love. But I am on the verge of losing my pendulum of balance. I am starting to doubt whether or not I would end up victorious in my life’s battles.
My battles are the choices I made.
I reminded myself, after almost giving in to tears, that I made the right choices. I have to firmly believe I made the choice that is best for me at this particular time. I chose to find myself. I chose to search for a more meaningful life. I was looking for something. Something I know was not where I was before. So I made a choice. A choice to an unknown path. I have kept on walking on this path. There were days I stopped and tried to glance back to where I came from, with fondness and with longing. Other times, with doubts and certainty, almost simultaneously. Today is just like that perhaps. A momentary stop. One extraordinarily difficult day.
Choosing this path I'm at made me see things I've never known existed. It gave me the precious time to do things I've always been passionate about. Looking back, I saw myself too confined in things I was comfortable with, not necessarily happy about.
At one point in our lives, we just have to stop and fill ourselves or we run dry. And everything around us may falter. I read that somewhere.
I remember Liz Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) --- that night she found herself in the bathroom, crying herself out, conversing with God, "Oh God, are you there? Please help me...I don't know what to do...tell me what to do."
I found myself uttering the same words. Asking the same questions.
I don't want to give up on what I have always wanted in life. The dreams I dream. The life I seek to live. The places I want to go to. The person I desire to become. The love... oh, the love. But I am on the verge of losing my pendulum of balance. I am starting to doubt whether or not I would end up victorious in my life’s battles.
My battles are the choices I made.
I reminded myself, after almost giving in to tears, that I made the right choices. I have to firmly believe I made the choice that is best for me at this particular time. I chose to find myself. I chose to search for a more meaningful life. I was looking for something. Something I know was not where I was before. So I made a choice. A choice to an unknown path. I have kept on walking on this path. There were days I stopped and tried to glance back to where I came from, with fondness and with longing. Other times, with doubts and certainty, almost simultaneously. Today is just like that perhaps. A momentary stop. One extraordinarily difficult day.
Choosing this path I'm at made me see things I've never known existed. It gave me the precious time to do things I've always been passionate about. Looking back, I saw myself too confined in things I was comfortable with, not necessarily happy about.
At one point in our lives, we just have to stop and fill ourselves or we run dry. And everything around us may falter. I read that somewhere.
I had to stop. I had to fill myself with new experiences, new ideas, with the things I love most, with thoughts on life and love, with things that really matter. I should be the person I've always thought I ought to be. Do things I believe matter most in life.
I read and learn about things I have always been interested in. I dance. I sing. I’m playing the guitar again! I write. Write a lot. These are my simple joys.
Isn't it great to slowly and significantly take strides towards the core of our being? I seem to know myself more. I understand the world more. And because I know myself more and understand the world around me-- people, circumstances, and daily events, I am more confident. My perspectives are clearer. My visions are more defined.
The days I am feeling out of sorts.
Today was not easy. I am posed with the inevitable questions, "What now? Where to go? What to do?" There is no way out not to find the answers now. But I couldn’t seem to get right to the point of it.
I couldn't count the times I have silently asked God for help. I am simply afraid...maybe terrified. Even if I knew that the best thing to do is to remain brave and strong. Even if I knew that there is no other way but to go on. If I have to win this battle, I must continue to fight with a brave heart.
Then again, I found myself uttering the same words of Liz Gilbert that night alone on the bathroom, tears profusely running down her cheeks, "Oh, God...I don't know what to do...Please tell me what to do...Please."
I pray that the answers would come soon. For now, and just like what Liz Gilbert did, I just have to get myself to sleep.
Then again, I found myself uttering the same words of Liz Gilbert that night alone on the bathroom, tears profusely running down her cheeks, "Oh, God...I don't know what to do...Please tell me what to do...Please."
I pray that the answers would come soon. For now, and just like what Liz Gilbert did, I just have to get myself to sleep.
Comments
Post a Comment