When hard was easy

Like time suspended, a wound unmended- you and I. We had no ending, no said goodbye; for all my life, I'll wonder why. - Lang Leave 

A dear friend gave me a beautiful book by Lang Leav. It's my first book by said author. But long before I had my hands on the book, I already had that Lang Leav's quote tweeted. I was struck by her lines the first time I read it somewhere. It reminds me of those last few lines in the book , the Life of Pi... where Yann Martel wrote: “I've never forgotten him. Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart. I still cannot understand how he could abandon me so unceremoniously, without any sort of goodbye, without looking back even once. The pain is like an axe that chops my heart. ” He was of course, referring to Richard Parker the tiger who didn't take one last glance at Pi when the two landed on an island and parted ways. 

It's true that the most painful feeling you could ever get is to realize that you are not worth one last goodbye. It happens all the time. And it hurts just the same. You can never get used to someone leaving your life unceremoniously, without even looking one last time. You can never get used to a parting or a breaking up that is messy and painful and frustrating. It is devastating as the first time. It leaves you wondering, what the hell just happened. Where did you make the wrong turn? How come? When everything started so beautifully. You used to talk to that someone everyday, for hours. You go to sleep and wake up hearing that someone's voice right on the other end- or at least, a text message. You dress and prep up for work while on the phone on a loudspeaker - because you used to be like that: two people so drawn to each other. Until the day everything broke. 

You know what makes the feeling worse? It is because in the end, and after all the hurting and cursing, you know right at your core, you still care. Or more accurately, you still feel more than just care and concern. And when the anger and madness subsides, all you could hear and feel and think are regrets. How do you come to terms with all of these? I wished I didn't had to write about it because it is unspeakably difficult. Going through all of those feelings and thoughts all over again feels like an ordeal each time you remember and think about it. It is not easy because it means confronting your own demons, your own evils, your mistakes, your faults. It is not easy because it's realizing you hurt someone who meant something to you. It's accepting the fact that you lost someone who was a significant, beautiful part of your life. It sure does hurt a lot not to hear a bittersweet goodbye. 

It hurt not to have one last glance at your face or embraced each other in a more loving way before parting... But maybe that's the way it was meant to be. It was hard but maybe it was easy that way.